Nifty Gifties

There are three days until Christmas, people. Three days! I'm finished with my holiday shopping because, let's face it, everything I do in my life is done perfectly and weeks in advance. But I can only imagine that you lazy slobs are frantically searching for some last-minute gifts. That is why I compiled a short list of holiday gift ideas. To help you. Because damn it, that is what the holidays are all about.

And where better to look for that perfect gift than SkyMall magazine? I hate airports and airplanes and stale air and flying with the fire of a thousands suns, but perusing the deliciously useless crap in Skymall is the one redeeming factor of traveling by air. So without further ado...

Busho the Sumo Wrestler Table
For your friend who loves to look at semi-nude, grossly overweight, bent over men.


Mobile Massage System
For your on-the-go brother who has a sore back, this completely inconspicuous back massager is perfect. I mean, they can use it anywhere. Anywhere! Brushing their teeth. Standing in line at the grocery store. On the bus. Bonus: people might mistake its wearer for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle which is, uh, awesome.

Double Umbrella
For your parents, who love all hideously large and obnoxious waterproof apparatus and enjoy people laughing at and mocking them.


Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier
For your hard of hearing grandpa, who is too embarrassed to wear a hearing aid. The Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier is a shitty hearing aid designed to look like a bluetooth headset. No one will wonder why the hell he's wearing a bluetooth headset around the clock. No one. I promise.


SkyRest Pillow
For the jet-setter, who needs some much needed shut eye, this unobtrusive pillow would be a delight. Dragging that giant mass of a thing around the airport should be no problem. Plus, their seat mates will love them!


Pet Observation Dome
And finally, one for Rover. Besides having an unspeakably wonderful name, the Pet Observation Dome is just the thing you need for your little doggie to look but not touch. Also good for dogs who aspire to be an astronaut.


That's it - you're on your own. Hope you all feel that joy thing this time of year, but don't get frustrated if you don't. I've wasted too many holidays in the past wondering why I didn't "feel it". Just feel what you can -- that's joy. Happy holidays everyone.