Sent to relevant parties. Posted for future reference.
PRODUCTION RIDER
FOR SARAH GARDNER'S
HOLIDAY VISIT
HOME TOUR 2008
Please note the following points that shall be adhered to on Sarah Gardner's Holiday Visit Home Tour. It is in the best interest of the VENUE (i.e.: BILL and JOAN'S Minnetonka two-story and the inhabitants therein) that these demands be strictly followed, if the VENUE ever wishes to see the TALENT (i.e.: SARAH GARDNER) come back after the 2008 Tour. This written agreement must be agreed upon and given no amendment unless specifically addressed with the TALENT.
Although this document is not legally binding, it does work in accordance with the strict legality of the OFFICIAL CONTRACT (i.e.:Sarah Gardner's birth certificate, verifying BILL and JOAN as Parents, and thus responsible for all future happiness).
LOAD IN:
TALENT arrives alone at AIRPORT. Upon arrival, do not ask where CREW is. Do not get clever by saying boyfriend/your friend/special friend instead of CREW. Consider VENUE forewarned that when TALENT feels VENUE can act appropriately around CREW, TALENT will bring CREW. So TALENT will be arriving alone.
TALENT will be bringing one (1) bag full of laundry, and TALENT doesn't want to hear she's too old for this. TALENT will do laundry herself. Unless VENUE, you know, was already planning on doing some anyway, in which case it would probably be easier if VENUE just threw it in with whatever VENUE is doing. No big deal.
Upon LOAD IN, the TALENT's belongings should be placed in DRESSING ROOM (i.e.: TALENT'S former bedroom, now renamed JOAN'S NEW "OFFICE").
TALENT will take thirty (30) minutes to "put stuff away" (i.e. sleep) in DRESSING ROOM after load in. VENUE should leave TALENT alone for those thirty (30) minutes. Upon TALENT exiting DRESSING ROOM, VENUE should be sensitive to the fact that TALENT might have trouble with simple appliances, proper conjugation in conversation, etc due to severe sleep deprivation. Please recall Holiday Tour 2005, when TALENT made VENUE late for Christmas Eve Mass because it took TALENT approx. one half-hour to tie her shoe. Due to the fact that TALENT was wearing boots without laces. It'll be a lot like that. Be patient.
DURING DINNER SHOW:
It is our understanding that various other acts (i.e.: SPECIAL GUESTS, namely DAVID) will be sharing the bill with TALENT during the Sarah Gardner Holiday Visit Home Tour in the DINNER segment of our show. The following is required of VENUE during DINNER, but also extends to SPECIAL GUESTS.
TOPICS THAT ARE OFF LIMITS WHEN TALKING TO TALENT:
1. TALENT'S questionable employment
2. TALENT'S lack of reliable relationships
3. The story of that time TALENT pretended to be a bartender when she was a small child during prior Holiday Party and poured too much alcohol for family, making them laugh, unless TALENT chooses to tell anecdote herself. No one but TALENT can tell that story with the proper context and complex nuances, and TALENT is sick sick sick of people fucking it up.
4. TALENT'S physical appearance, especially her hair. TALENT would be happy to amend the situation if VENUE would like to fork over $150 for a salon touchup. No? That's what TALENT thought.
5. TALENT'S complicated financial situation
6. Probably best to avoid foreign politics, football, action films,and music that doesn't have words. TALENT feels stupid when these are discussed and accidentally lies about her knowledge of them, which makes TALENT feel bad and drink more. Keep in mind: Keeping TALENT happy is legally binding to VENUE in accordance with OFFICIAL CONTRACT.
RECOMMENDED TOPICS WHEN TALKING TO TALENT:
1. Brokeback Mountain. TALENT knows it came years ago, but TALENT just saw it for the second time and thinks she has some pretty interesting things to say about it.
2. Celebrities. Especially any anecdotes about meeting them/seeing them somewhere. Jake Gyllenhaal sightings will be rewarded with robust conversation.
3. Barack Obama. TALENT is still on a hope hangover and any news regarding Barack/Michelle/the Obama children/Chicago/speculated new White House puppy is acceptable and encouraged.
The following should be placed on or near the table at DINNER:
(2) Bottles of wine per person at table, preferably something cheap so VENUE doesn't bitch about how expensive it was during the course of the entire evening
(1) Bowl of mashed potatoes, skin ON. SKIN IS WHERE THE VITAMINS ARE.
(2) Bowls of stuffing, one cornbread and one plain. If there is so much as half a raisin in the stuffing, TALENT will immediately leave the table and possibly the city.
More food, at the VENUE'S discretion. Please check ahead with TALENT, however. And make sure not to have anything with honey. TALENT doesn't mind the taste, but it leaves her fingers sticky, which annoys her.
LOAD OUT:
TALENT will require the following items on leaving the premises:
(1) Leftover container of every dish served at dinner
(1) Flask of alcohol, filled from VENUE'S liquor cabinet
(1) Pack of double-A batteries, provided by VENUE
(1) Old hair dryer, provided by VENUE
(1) Booklet of stamps, provided by VENUE
(3) Books that VENUE recommends, and provides
(1) Bag of clean clothes
(200) Dollars, for travel expenses
With all the TALENT'S demands met, we anticipate 2008 to be the best Holiday Visit Home Tour so far!
**Modified but heavily borrowed (coughstolencough) from McSweeney's
HAPPY THANKSGIVING FAITHFUL READERS!
No comments:
Post a Comment